Once upon a thyme I was a wallflower, a teenage wallflower. You know the kind. They aren't exceptionally attractive but not so far on the other scale that they get a lot of unwanted attention. They don't get dates because they don't put out. That was me. I'd rather the guys I met respect me than avoid me because we had sex a couple times.
One day I met a man five years my senior who liked to party. The only time in my life I had multitudes of friends was when I was in the party crowd and I have to admit, I miss that. We all shared a common secret amongst us. Now that I'm in the stands instead of on the field, I don't need to know what gets said in the huddle to know what the game is all about. So I smile at my ancient notion that I had secrets.
I don't understand why the powers that be in Chicago keep supplying drugs to the shooters there. Killing garners a huge amount of attention to what is going on in the neighborhood and yet somehow, the cops there never even catch them, much less the people supplying them with something to bicker over. I'm sure there are probably other cities like that, but Chicago is the one you hear about all the time. I think if I lived there I wouldn't mingle, but I would carry, and legally I'm not supposed to.
I'm well versed on the scripture and I love the Lord, he's probably the only reason I'm still alive. I realized late in life that I should have made friends based on my values instead of my vices. It's awesome when you can do both.
My journey with the Lord has not been about making myself look holy or feel righteous. It's strictly based on the fact that I love him and I believe with all my heart and soul that he loves me too. I don't know why he loves me, I think I'm pretty unlovable and he knows me better than I do. Who am I that the Lord shows me any regard at all? Much less die so that my soul can be restored. How can anyone know that and reject him?
I'm not accustomed to traveling in religious circles, I don't read self help books and I don't read Bible commentary unless it's a blog. I used to study proverbs carefully because God gave Solomon wisdom and he wrote his wisdom in proverbs and ecclesiastes. Proverbs will teach you who you can trust. Ecclesiastes will cry with you when you are thinking how the world is not fair.
We had a keg party a couple times but if I had weed I wouldn't touch the alcohol. I've been to parties where the meth was so thick you couldn't move.........thing was I didn't touch it, I didn't want it. Oh, I loved how it made you think and feel social. The energy it provided was awesome. If you are drunk, nothing will sober you up like some good meth and if you are high and do the meth it messes up your high. I guess feeling that way can be intoxicating, but it wasn't for me, so I stayed in my room most of the time away from the crowd. Eventually I talked the ex into us moving out of that house. Two or three people died that year. That's the legacy of meth. Need a personality change? Do some meth. Too docile? Too nice? Too laid back? Get hooked on meth, you'll be a totally different person in no time. Pisses me off. The ONLY thing I can think of that meth would be good for is to keep a pilot awake or to sober one up for the flight.
I'm in a really bad mood because someone I thought highly of and used to party with is on the run right now because they think he killed someone. I hear meth made him a monster.
I prefer weed because it doesn't make people violent. I like that it makes me obsess way less than I do when I'm not on it........but they say I can't have it because of my diagnosis.
No drugs no friends.........it's easy peasey to go straight. I had to because I've had this idea that the cops have been monitoring me for years off and on. I'm smiling because a long time ago I used to say that if I ever got where I couldn't get high, I'd keep the cops busy for my friends who do LOL. I'm probably just overly paranoid because when I call the cops to check on my friend, or to look in my attic......they don't respond. You see, sometimes I think my ex does things to try to freak me out and send me over the edge. I try to stay on good terms with him because the truth is, I kind of like him, I just stopped loving him when he forced me to abort my baby. That wallflower girl had herself an abortion when she was seventeen years old shortly before she married the guy who forced her into it. I was married my senior year, most of it.
When I laid down on that table I loved him with most of my heart and I had self respect. When I got up off that table I had neither. Once you've killed your innocent baby, it's kind of hypocritical to be some self righteous busy body who's condemning everyone to hell indiscriminately. You rely heavily on the grace of God and you abandon trying to be a "good" girl. You're not fooling anyone if you can't fool yourself.
I promised the Lord two things while I was on that table over the death of my first baby. I would not ever have that procedure done again and I would never have children with my first husband or put a child in his path for him to abuse or educate to his way of thinking. Thus far I've kept that promise, but he's kept his kids in school with mine even though they are in a different district.........my son has been bullied for years.
Sometimes I'm tempted to blame the Lord even though it's my family who tailored my whereabouts for me without the slightest concern for why I left here in the first place. I can't blame the Lord for the lack of concern in the people I've encountered in life. Instead I choose to blame him for the things that went right.
I just couldn't have a baby that a man was promising to abuse when it was born. I understand what it feels to be unwanted. I think had I had the child somehow without him causing me to miscarry, which was a threat hanging over my head, I'd have had to kill him. Thing is, killing him would have meant prison for a lengthy time so I did what he insisted I do. He killed my integrity. I don't want to present myself to be someone I'm not..........I prefer to focus on scripture and love.......but society isn't attracted to that. But then again, to be at peace with society is not my goal in life. I'd have to stay someone I wouldn't like to go there.
One thing is for sure.......that child did not have to live life feeling unwanted and being abused or being taught the wrong way to be saved and eventually wind up in hell. That child, by default, is with the Lord and one day I'll see him.
His name is Jacob.
