I've been feeling overwhelmed to some degree. I know I've been delusional for the past two years or so.
I remember when I officially got my diagnosis from my head doc. Schizoaffective. That means schizophrenic combined with a mood disorder. I didn't know what to think about it until I went home and read the symptoms online and was astonished that I was not the only person in the world who'd had the same issues I had. There are many types of betrayal a person goes through in life that hurt like hell, but to find out that your own mind will lie to you was for me, devastating. It was the only thing I'd ever thought I had of any value and then I discovered that even that had been taken away from me.
In some religious circles there are people who think mind disorders are strictly spiritual in nature, I've never believed that but I suppose I can wholeheartedly understand why some people do. There is a scripture in the Bible about people having mental disorders so the Lord understands it. I could blame it on DNA, or exposure to toluene in a work environment, or mental stress brought upon me by some people who didn't like the message I delivered to their congregation (the church can't save you, only Jesus can). Or even my second husband's side chick who used her superior computer knowledge and gauntlet of friends to dazzle me with confusion. The truth is, I blame all of that equally. On the base level, I blame myself for having made some really bad decisions and then I comfort myself by telling me that had I done things differently, there still would have been no guarantees. Once upon a time I wondered what it was like to be insane, a fascination I had from listening to a lot of Pink Floyd......a concert my second husband treated me to before we were married. Well, now I know enough about it to have lost the fascination with it.
Practically speaking, the most important thing about being mentally ill is being able to trust the people in your corner in life because mentally ill people have more rights than they used to have, good or bad, but they have less rights too. It brings about a vulnerability that can easily be exploited.
I get to hear people tell me what THEY have BEEN THROUGH with MY problems, as though I'm just enjoying the whole thing and oblivious to the effects of mental illness. From my perspective, the world is a very hostile place sometimes and opportunistic at other times. Communication becomes a minefield no matter what form that communication takes. Hidden messages are everywhere, people never say what they really mean and they expect me to know things I don't know I think they know things they probably don't know.
Atlas shrugged. That's how mental illness feels on the inside. My shoulders appear to not have been wide enough to handle the hand I've been dealt in life. If the SANE people in my world are ill equipped to deal with MY problems, what makes them think I'm equipped to deal with my problems? I always wanted to be married to someone who understood me and now that I don't fully understand myself I know that such an endeavor is impossible. And so I silently ask the Lord.......why? Why me? Then shamefully I hang my head and think, why not me? Jesus has wonderful plans for eternity for all those who love him and are called according to his purpose. Still, resentment lingers in the back of my mind and suspicion is my go-to emotion for almost every situation but do I still believe that for SOME people things work out. The Lord has helped me to do the best I can with my life and when it comes to problems, I'm still the main problem.
Do I forgive those who have trespassed against me? What else could they have possibly done? Of course I do. Why? Because, damn it, I've trespassed against others myself.
Today is the Sabbath, a day of rest. The Sabbath is not part of the law, it was established for all mankind during the time of creation. It's not a day for church, it's a day for rest. So far as worship is concerned, all things can become an act of worship if you are mindful of who you represent in life when you interact with the world. If that little thing is a secret between you and the Lord, then you're probably doing it wrong. Remember the guy with one talent who buried it? Remember his general attitude about the Lord? Someone should have told that guy about the gospel.
A day is as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day to the Lord. The millennial reign will be a Sabbath for the earth, you can count on that. IF, yes, IF I was harassed to the point that it stressed me into losing my mind because I threatened a religion that is built on a pyramid scheme (cough, tithe) by telling the captives that Jesus died to set them free from the result of sin which is death, if ONE person quit worshiping their religion and started worshiping Christ and I had to pay the price in this way, I want you to know, that ONE person was worth it. Even if they never know.......
The Sabbath as observed by the Jews in America starts when the sun goes down Friday night until the sun goes down Saturday night. I don't think the Lord would be particular about which day you choose so long as you rest on one day of the week and thank him for it. I guess how legalistic you are about it is your business. To say Sunday is the Sabbath and you observe it by going to church? For pity's sakes, proper church going on Sunday is like work.......you try to work in breakfast before church, lunch after and all this stuff about getting all dressed up and then going to follow a routine? Why don't they have church at two on Sunday when everyone has had part of the day to eat and getting ready and going isn't so stressful to them? Do you know how many kids probably get into trouble for not following the morning program on Sunday? My parents had four kids and mom was never in a good mood having to micro-manage all of that. I tell you what though, I loved our little missionary baptist church. I loved the traditional Heavenly Highway Hymn book.........and I loved hearing about this God in heaven who thought little kids were important.
Hope you all have a good day tomorrow and hope rested today, God loves you, that's why he said you need a day to rest.
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