• Hurricane Laura came through and the Lord has blessed us greatly in that it wasn't as bad as it was predicted to be and certainly not as bad as it could have been.  I actually love a good storm if I don't have to get out in it and it doesn't mess up my ability to do the things around the house I like to do.  They let the kids stay home from school so that wasn't a problem and Alley said she was at work and noticed the wind moving the water in a puddle and when she looked at her boss his umbrella he was holding was wrong side out ha ha.......she just laughed and so did I when she told me the story.  Alley has such a pragmatic way of telling a funny story that it makes it all the more amusing.

    She's not easy to get to know so people don't realize how great of a sense of humor she has.  None of my kids are really at ease with many people because for some reason we have not bonded to the community around us.  I blame my mental illness and John has his quirks too.  Jesse is high functioning autistic but autistic all the same.  When he was little he would hug anyone who would let him but the boys in town, some of them, made his life difficult in school.  My son is a high school drop out.  Sometimes in the back of my mind I blame my ex.  He has insisted over the years that his kids go to school with my kids.

    I used to call him once in a while so that we stayed on good terms but I'm breaking that habit.  My family knows the history so they haven't understood my behavior but he has a lot of tentacles around here and really could make things bad if he wanted to.  I've just wanted him to know that I've had no ill will toward him.

    When I had an affair with Larry when I was married to Terry, it was because I liked Larry very much as a friend and he wanted more so I said the hell with it and let the affair develop, I was wanting a divorce anyway.  I used to talk Terry into taking a downer so he would sleep good and then when it took affect, Larry and I would leave and go riding around just to have privacy to talk.  He was from LA and liked painting, but as it turned out he wasn't the best at it.  His best quality for me was philosophy.  We talked about human behavior a lot.  We talked about racism a lot too.  You see, Larry was black and I'm white and back when we road around together that was unacceptable behavior.  He was living in the area with his grandparents, I met them a couple of times but he never let me go into his house.  It was on the same property as theirs.  At one time he wanted me to run off with him to California, he said we could change the world with his ideas and mine if we put them into play.  I didn't have the guts to follow through with it.  I was young and he was quite a bit older.  I had this notion that having a family with him would be difficult because he was obsessed with racism and I wasn't and because mixed kids back then didn't seem to fit in anywhere.  When I had kids someday, I wanted them to fit in.  It's really ironic that now that I have kids they don't really fit in anyway.

    Paige scolds me for smoking and drinking and playing my music too loud.  She's right, she's often right.

    I wish sometimes that I could find Larry and sit with him in the dark and share a bottle of whiskey and find out how life turned out for him and talk to him about how life turned out for me so far.

    Time has a funny way of trapping things in your mind forever that you wish you could relive even if the outcome didn't seem so great.  I think about my life and know that given the same situations, I'd likely not change a thing knowing me.

    Larry, if you ever read this........you really did it didn't you?  But they were doing that all along weren't they?  It's just that most people didn't notice and a lot of them didn't care.  Now with the advent of the internet almost anything is possible, we didn't see that one coming back then did we?  I just want you to know that I'm impressed but I'm also terrified.  What if others use it all the wrong way?  Larry I think they do sometimes.........I wish I could talk to you for awhile.  Mostly so I know you're still alive.

    Anyway, these are the things on my mind for now.