Recording history

  • I haven't had that many men in my life but the ones I've had really left an impression on me.  We'll start with my stepfather who's name I've used all my single life and used for my daughter so that people would know what family she was associated with.  Her dad wasn't in the delivery room and didn't give me permission to use his name, so I didn't.  Anyway, the main thing I remind myself of when I think of my stepdad, is him asking me where I would go if I weren't living with them.  I told him I guessed I'd go live with grandma.  He said, "remember I asked you that."

    The main thing I remember about my stepbrother that I grew up with was tossing the football back and forth out in the street until the lights came on for the night.

    My first real boyfriend betrayed me in a big way twice and somehow seems to have a problem understanding that the second time changed my opinion of him forever.

    My second boyfriend is the only man I've ever had actually fight over me and he won the fight.  It made me mad, but at the same time, it made an impression on me.

    My third boyfriend used my sister against me, but in his defense, I was seen talking to the man who would become my first husband, and that man had literally, in his back yard with his cousin, hung by the neck my boyfriend when they were little.  I thought my first husband was exaggerating the story until one day his mother told me how she was in the kitchen doing dishes and she looked out and saw the boy hanging and lifeless, she thought he was dead.  She grabbed a knife and ran out and cut him down.  Luckily she was in time.

    My first husband used fear and force to make sure he got his way.  When he actually did get his way, he wasn't happy unless he thought he got it through power.  The one time I did surrender, he seemed to have contempt for me.  People don't know it, but he means what he says when he says it.  Just because he laughs after doesn't indicate that he doesn't mean what he said.  Some mud puddles really are only ankle deep.

    My second husband had empathy for me and he treated me like I was a girl.  Somehow that felt nice for a change.  He brought me tiny roses every time we got gas.  But he was ruled by his penis when it came right down to it.

    Alley's dad wanted to hear what I had to say, he showed genuine interest in that though at that time of my life I was newly schizophrenic and untreated and as many schizophrenics can tell you, madness makes you paranoid and fearful even if you have nothing to fear.  In my case, I still believe there are many things to fear.  He lost interest in me after I got pregnant.  Commitment wasn't on his agenda.  I wish it hadn't been that way because I really, really wanted to talk to him for the rest of my life.  He didn't see me as merely a sex object but then, maybe that was part of the problem.

    John has been honest, loyal and loving most of the time.  He's good for me and the kids.  Without him, I wouldn't be where I am today.