If you were a traveler on the road of my life, you might have just driven by a significant pile of rocks on the side of the road. Those would be the ones that signify and/or represent the latest transformation happening in my world. The subject just keeps coming up and I kept saying to myself, "Didn't I already do that?" I had no idea I was so adept at hiding things from myself. So, maybe a pile of rocks wouldn't be significant or even matter if you were driving along, but this one...this particular set, though it probably wouldn't be a work of art or somehow form a beautiful sculpture means something to me. So if you're on my road, hopefully you will seek to understand it's significance, and possibly stop to read the "sign".
My life has taken its twists and turns, and if you know me, you are aware of some of those other events. It is in this area that I see just how much of my Dad I carry around with me. He always struggled to get over things. I think that's because he was a deeply loyal and loving person. Things just hurt him to the core, especially when it came to those he loved. He's gone now, and has been for several years, but I've had him on my mind. When I think of him, I remember how difficult it was for him to move forward in life. He often got stuck in the pain of losses and grief that broke his heart - I think even more than he realized. It was because I saw this in him during one of the times I lived with him after my parent's divorce that I decided I wanted to do better than that for me. This doesn't mean I mastered it per se. I was just more aware of the ingrained problem. It's strange how you see things in your parents and then the echo reverberating in yourself. Forgiveness. To forgive or not to forgive...that is the question! All my years as a "believer" (another story for sure!) and after all the things I went through to bring me to that point - forgiveness is definitely a "rock formation" in my life. It has to be! Not only toward others, but toward myself as well.
One of my friends made a comment to me when I was sharing about my life. I walked through forgiveness toward a few people in my life because it freed me up to keep living. These people are the ones that aren't sorry and who will never seek forgiveness from me (see previous pile of rocks!). He said, "Even if they said they were sorry, would it be enough?" The fact is, they never have and they never will! But if they did...If they acknowledged truthfully and honestly (how would I know that?) what they did wrong and owned it - would that be enough? Hmmm. Daddy must have felt that too. There are some things that when the damage bulldozes the treasures of your life and destroys the delicate sweetness of it...it cannot return to that state. No...it wouldn't be enough. Yet, I don't have the hatred anymore. I did deal with bitterness for years! As did Daddy. When people make decisions that affect us and those we love, the carnage that is left behind with you to deal with, to clean up after, or to live with. Grrr! But, that question bounced around like a racquetball. Basically, I went back to my counselor's steps in forgiveness: 1. I forgive them. 2. I set them free. 3. They don't owe me anything. 4. I commit them into the Lord's hands.
The third step is what set ME free. For so many years, I wanted to skin 'em and hang 'em out to dry! I even have a snakeskin patterned duster that I wear laughingly - I skinned 'em and now I wear 'em!
The realization that I really don't wish any harm on them (and never did in the first place) hit me with such force when I walked through those steps. The humbling reminder that I too, have made mistakes and need forgiveness from others. Will forgiveness be there for me when I need it, if I refuse to give it now? Not exacting some kind of "you-owe-me" benefits from a wrong-doer unveils the ugly part of my heart that was bitter and unforgiving. Daddy found out too late. It took me awhile too, but I'm getting it. It's really not worth grinding it out in my stomach producing ulcers and all manner of stress. I think the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 say it pretty clearly - If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and all knowledge, and have the gift of faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love I am nothing. If I give all my possessions to feed to poor, and deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. (mostly from memory from the NASB Bible version?)
A significant pile of rocks to be sure.
There really isn't anything they could do to make it better. Not anymore. That time has come and gone. Truly, this isn't about them now. This story is about the pile of rocks that significantly marks my current landmark decision. Let's see. Inventory: I forgave them. I set them free. They don't owe me anything. I commit them into the Lord's hands. Now? No. They didn't magically disappear. It's the same concept that happens when we do something against ourselves.
The other day I was pulling out of the parking space at work trying to get out of the parking lot, but I neglected to see the curb that was on the right of me. The agonizing sounds and stupid, stupid, stupid...that I felt when it was too late to go back and start over. Did I demolish my beautiful car? I drove home thinking this all the way, wondering did I destroy my car? I was too embarrassed to look in the parking lot. Stupid huh? I was mortified! I should have just checked. But, no! I had to drive all the way home and have a look when I got there. She was just fine. No damage done. Whew! I did berate myself all the way home. All 25-30 minutes of it. I could have just checked and it would have been a different ride. Landmark. See the lightbulb? Daddy...I wish I could tell you about it! He would have laughed. Maybe he was laughing when he saw me pull out?
Of these stones, I set/leave forgiveness for MY mistakes. Those were heavy stones. It took years to bring them here. Passers-by may graffiti on them, hike a leg, or in some way try to bring them down, just as I think I did other’s stones. I'm sorry God. Will you help me be a respecter of other's stones?
Most of the pain is gone now. I see reminders of it every now and then, but I don't want to go there anymore. It's not worth the trouble. I don't live with those people anymore and they aren't close to me. That's okay. Neither do I seek them out and try to go on as if nothing ever happened. I can be around them and not growl or take potshots. I can speak pleasantly and know in my heart that I came to peace about what happened. I am not open to more garbage! I am open to the Lord showing me when I'm in those situations, how I can display forgiveness. I think this stone came about because I realized that I forgive me too. I live with me every day and I need to be at peace with myself. Just like I couldn't hate my ex because I saw him on the faces of every one of my children, saw him in their expressions and gestures, their voices, their walk, their laughter. No. I don't hate him. I'm not in love with him anymore though - that was another huge stone. Praying for him did that. It took the sting out.
So, now when you pass by my pile of stones, I hope it makes you smile like it does me. One of them says, "You've come a long way, Baby!" That one is my favorite. I forgive me. I set me free. I don't owe me anything. I commit me into the Lord's hands...
by Joanie
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